Where Do I Go from Here?
June 12, 2010
“Where am I going?”
This question runs laps at breakneck speed in my mind as the Amtrak slowly rumbles over the tracks in the rough countryside. This question has a somewhat ironic quality given that as I blankly stare out of the dirty window of the old train, I hold in my hand a ticket with a set destination printed on it. I know exactly where the train is headed and where I will be sleeping that night. I’m headed back up to Philly after spending the week with my immediate family in Richmond Hill, Georgia.
However, when it comes to my future, my itinerary remains a lot more hazy and uncertain. As far as I know, and if all goes according to plan, I have just left home for good. A few days ago, after repeated request from my parents, I went into the garage and sorted through the last four boxes of my belongings in their house. I’m not even trying to sound melodramatic when I say I found it surprisingly emotional to rummage through some of the last few physical remnants of my childhood:
…old elementary school assignments written in big childish scrawl, several sketchbooks full of drawings and homemade comic-strips from my superhero phase, plaques and awards from high school debate, pictures and trophies from high school basketball, and notebooks of songs, poetry, and rhymes from various phases my life. Now as I pass my 11th of 14 hrs on the train (uggh!), I think that maybe it’s somewhat fitting that I am watching each mile pass by slowly through the window of this slower (and cheaper) form of transportation rather than skipping over them all in a flight of just a few hours. In this train car, I can feel myself getting further and further away from home and closer to the unknown.
The geographic area to which the train is headed is not unfamiliar to me; I spent the first 10 years of my life in Philly and NYC and the last four years in college in New Jersey. Also, at least for the summer, I have a job on campus; however, beyond that, I don’t know exactly what will happen. Eventually I’ll go on to law school, but right now I feel like I need a break from school. For the time being I’m looking for a year-long job in either Philly or New York to pay the bills and to fund my passion, music.
As I record these thoughts on the blank white screen of my computer, I am listening to the (almost) complete extremely rough draft I’ve recorded of my upcoming mixtape “Turn the Lights On!” that I have in its own playlist in iTunes. Like this blog, I think that in part this mixtape expresses the exciting, but uncertain phase of my life that I am in right now, as the following excerpts from the intro track show:
“Thought I would overflow, so much inside of me
that I spilled it over flows – a poetic diary
In dire need, I wrote this when no one was there to share it with
and in those times, my rhyme book was like my therapist…”
– Da’Lux Blaze, “Turn the Lights On,” from upcoming mixtape Turn the Lights On!